This was some nice correspondence I had with a Japanese avant-garde musician called Yximalloo. He makes music with his own instruments and picks old, dying queers as boyfriends, which makes him a homoparasite, I guess.

Did you send “Totally Dublin” on Monday or not?
Because it doesn’t arrive yet. In Japanane post it arrives within 24 hours and costs far cheaper.
If you weren’t sure you should not tell “I’ll send it” and “I post on Monday”.
You told a lie twice. You are such disgusting country boy. Shame!
Give me the photographer’s e -mail address,I talk with him directly.
That’s was my idea to jump not funeral photo and to make object closer to the camera to add rhythm.
I don’t trust you. In case I prohibit to issue “Totally Dublin”. Find Polish or Latvian for APR 7th.
Anyway you couldn’t have the ability to be in time for Mici. You should notice how potato coutry boy you are!
Don’t get panic for the first long travel in your life to Nepal. We always laugh 1 hours flight by Ryan air and Airlingus poor airplanes.

And this was one from some amiable Canadians who passed through town and managed to pick up a copy of an article I’d written.

Dear Totally Dublin,
> My wife and I picked up the May copy when we were in Dublin last week. We
> read Mr Creighton’s article about his Nashville convention.  He comes off
> like a brooding zit faced teenager that hates the world. Blank paper would
> have been more insightful than this piece of prepubescent editorial
> garbage.
> Funny he only gives props to the band from Cork. Even as Canadians we were
> taken back by Creighton’s racist, sexist, and anti-American spewing. Also,
> we were wondering when BB King died, you moron?
> Regards,
> Brent and Heidi
> London Ontario, Canada

So then using my best diplomatic skills, I replied to the lovely Brent and Heidi and tried to explain my situation as best I could.

Dear Heidi and Brent,
you’re right. I went over the top with that article and I’m sorry if I caused you any offence, and thanks for having the courage to get in touch and voice your disapproval. I mean it, as a free magazine, edited primarily by myself, we tend to roam rudderless over editorial waters and forget about the readers we serve. That’s inexcusable. It really is and if it wasn’t for good people like you, Heidi and Brent, making a stand, we’d never be kept in check.
I’ll definitely take what you’ve said on board. Girlfriends have called me sexist too. I guess it’s a hangup from my Catholic upbringing. Catholicism is deeply misogynistic. But I’m not looking for excuses and I promise you, I’ll deal with this. And yes, I guess I have to take the racist comment on the chin too. I don’t know where I get it from. I have a cousin who is ‘coloured’. Go figure.
Anyway, Brent and Heidi, I hope my article didn’t tarnish your opinion of Dublin. It’s a fine city and it’s come along a lot in recent years. How’s London, Ontario? I imagine it to be a type of libertarian’s utopia where free expression and equality walk hand in hand like lovers. Maybe I’ll come visit one day and buy you guys a beer. Until then I hope this email will suffice as my apology.

And then this was someone who found me on Facebook just to tell me what they thought of the article I’d written about their boyfriend.

You’re a fucking cunt Conor.

This this one came through after I made a couple of mistakes regarding Britain’s nuclear threat to Ireland. I relied on gossip for my story… as I so often do.

dear sir, this week for the first time i found and read your newspaper which i found interesting … however i would have prefered that conor creighton’s description about fishing on ireland sea had not been so badly informative about sellafield and its consequences .. sellafield had problems however irish sea is not the most radioactive and therefore dangourous sea in western europe on the one hand. On the other hand your writer should improve his knowledge and his readers’ knowledge about nuclear health risks (and stop repeating gossips)  and the best should be for him to read cohen’s article which he can find on the website :
I would not like to live close to any nuclear plant because there is an increased risk of leukemia but i know and everybody should know that if we go on like that using more oil, electricity, cars, airplanes and stupidly buying israelian/southamerican/kenian/chinese vegetables/meat/fishes which our countries can grow… we will have no more choice but to build new nuclear plants and at least one of theses new plants will have to be irish.
Best regards

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